Kelly (playing Mercenaries 2): These are my American friends. They don't have a lot of money, but they sure have a lot of spirit.  

.......... I lied. They have a lot of money.

Me: You spelled 'view' wrong the second time.

Kelly: What?? Man. I put that on the internet.

Watching a show about ways humanity could potentially end. When we got to the part about robots...

TV: In fact, the robots we created were able to recognize 78% of the objects in the pictures they were shown.
Me (terrified by images of impending robot domination): Stop it! Aren't they smart enough??
Kelly: It's not like it's 100%. That's a C+.

Me: Mom, when you were pregnant did they have the technology to tell you the gender of your baby?
Mom: Yes, but they didn't give us pictures then.
Me: They didn't take a sonogram picture at all?
Mom: They did. They just didn't give them out like bubblegum cards. They were more for medical reasons only.
Me: Ha.
Mom: That had better make it on your Facebook.

Saturday night before Easter.

Dad: Oh, Jesus.

Mom: No, he doesn't show up for a few hours.

Jeff: No, isn't it Easter in Hebrew Standard Time?

Me to Jeff: No tienes vergüenza??
Jeff: What does that mean?
Me: You took Spanish. Jeez. It means 'have you no shame?'. I learned it to say to the Mexican dudes who stare at me while I pump gas.
Mom: Why would they do that? They must think you're stealing gas.

Mom: The cleaning lady came up to me the other day. She had your dirty underwear from under your bed in a pair of tongs.

Kelly: That's what she gets for deep cleaning.

Me: I need to stop quoting you so much. You're going to get a big head.
Kelly: .... I'm hilarious.
Me: Exactly.

Mom: Son, you left your muscle-building powder here. You should take it back with you or I'll use it all. I'll put half of it in a giant mug every day and drink it.
Me: Well, that would only really last you... two days.
Mom: No...
Me: Yeah, if you use half every day, you'd run out in two days.
Mom: .....No, I'd put water in it....

Kelly (opening a present): A photo album??? And she says *I'm* letting the friendship die.