Dad: I love that I tried to type in "Leather and Lace" and my phone autocorrected to "lefse."
Me: I assumed you were going to say your phone looked up porn.
Dad: No, this is better. You can get too old for porn, but you're never too old for lefse.

Mom: Gregarious? I invented the fucking word gregarious.

Uncle: *whispers to me* Your mom will never be nice. Trust me.
Mom: *whispers to me* I am going to slit his throat before the night is over. Seriously.

Me: Okay, well, you can definitely come visit me. We'll figure out the dates further down the road.
Kelly: I might text you. Like, "I'm at your front door. Let's do this."

Me: They really don't want me to get pregnant on this medication. I'd give birth to, like, a frog or something.
Kelly: Don't do that! I don't want a frog niece. I DON'T WANT A FROG NIECE.