Dad: I love that I tried to type in "Leather and Lace" and my phone autocorrected to "lefse."
Me: I assumed you were going to say your phone looked up porn.
Dad: No, this is better. You can get too old for porn, but you're never too old for lefse.

Me: Okay, well, you can definitely come visit me. We'll figure out the dates further down the road.
Kelly: I might text you. Like, "I'm at your front door. Let's do this."

Me: They really don't want me to get pregnant on this medication. I'd give birth to, like, a frog or something.
Kelly: Don't do that! I don't want a frog niece. I DON'T WANT A FROG NIECE.

Kelly explains a Star Wars concept to me.

Kelly: Have you ever heard of Mandalorians?

Me: Sounds familiar.

Kelly: The king of the Mandolorians is Mandalor.  .... It's quite convenient.

Jeff and I are driving to Nebraska.

Me: Don't they make you turn over your car when you get across the border, so as not to scare the locals? They'd be like, "A HORSELESS CARRIAGE! A HORSELESS CARRIAGE!"

Jeff: "IT'S SATAN'S WORK!"

Me: Is Mom cooking or are we on our own for dinner?

Jeff: I dunno. Send her a text. Bitches love texts.

Me: I'm really glad Sean Bean didn't die when he got stabbed. I'm still not over Heath Ledger.
Kelly: I know. I would freak out of he died. I would have a sad party.
Me: It's called a wake.

We are at a baseball game on Father's Day. The scoreboard lights up with choices for songs to be played. The idea is that you text a vote to pick which song. One is Father's Day related, the other two are just random, popular country songs.

Announcer: Aaaaand you've chosen, Carrie Underwood's All-American Girl!
Dad: What?? That's not very Father's Day.
Me: I love you Dad. Today is about you as far as I'm concerned!
Dad: Fuck you.

A family friend tells me I look really good for a 30-year-old. When my dad sees how bummed I am (I was 24), he comforted me:

Dad: Hey, it just means that you wouldn't be in the "Barely 18 Girls You Wanna Bang!" category in porn. You'd be in the "Mature" section.

Father's Day Lunch

Me: *tells an awesome joke*
Mom: *makes a face that says, "You're an idiot."
Me: I know that face. You've been making that face at me since the day I came out of you.
Dad: She was making that face when I got in her.

My brother's version of this happening:

He misquotes.

Me: This lady at work says I have a really good fashion sense. Like, I dress really well.
Mom (looks me up and down): Did she say that today?

I make lewd gestures at my sister while my parents are helping Jeff pack his apartment.


Kelly: Mom! My sister is a pedophile! Dad! ........ Help!
.....silence....
Kelly: They don't care. It's about Jeff today.

Me: I like the waitress. She's nice.

Dad: Duh, she works for tips.

Me: So do strippers, and you like them...

Me: Man, I used to hang out and eat Cheez-Its all day-

Mom: OH! THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING TO CHEEZ-ITS!

About Kelly's choice of a giant dinosaur stuffed animal:

Me: Are you sure you want that one? Not this? Or this one?

Kelly: ....... This is the one I've chosen.

Kelly: All I want for my birthday is, uh...

Me: Your two front teeth? Ha.

Kelly: No, that's Christmas, bitch.

Mom to Kelly and me: That Target clerk thought you were cute.

Me: What? Really?

Mom: Well, he is from Nebraska.

Mom: Jumper's on next. That's a GREAT movie!

Me: ......

Mom: You'd love it.
Me: Sure.

Mom: What? You don't believe me? You don't want to travel that fast? Poof! You're in Paris!

Me: I'm not saying I don't want the power. I'm saying I don't want to watch the movie.

Mom: .....

Me: We could always watch Gigli.

Mom: *frown*

Me: Oh. So there is a line.

Me: Dad, do you know what lie we're going to tell Mom when we sneak off on Saturday for her surprise?
Dad: Haven't gotten that far.
Me: You had top secret clearance for decades. You planned covert strikes and rubbed elbows with people that officially didn't exist. I'm pretty sure you can come up with something.
Dad: Yeah, but this is your mom...