Father's Day Lunch

Me: *tells an awesome joke*
Mom: *makes a face that says, "You're an idiot."
Me: I know that face. You've been making that face at me since the day I came out of you.
Dad: She was making that face when I got in her.

My brother's version of this happening:

He misquotes.

Me: This lady at work says I have a really good fashion sense. Like, I dress really well.
Mom (looks me up and down): Did she say that today?

Me: Man, I used to hang out and eat Cheez-Its all day-

Mom: OH! THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING TO CHEEZ-ITS!

Mom to Kelly: You accidentally bought child-size hangers. Oh well, they'll work for you.

Mom to Kelly and me: That Target clerk thought you were cute.

Me: What? Really?

Mom: Well, he is from Nebraska.

Mom: Jumper's on next. That's a GREAT movie!

Me: ......

Mom: You'd love it.
Me: Sure.

Mom: What? You don't believe me? You don't want to travel that fast? Poof! You're in Paris!

Me: I'm not saying I don't want the power. I'm saying I don't want to watch the movie.

Mom: .....

Me: We could always watch Gigli.

Mom: *frown*

Me: Oh. So there is a line.

Cable guy to my dad: So your youngest is moving out? You've gotten everyone out of the house?

Dad: Nah, my wife still lives there.

Me: So telling those snooty people you're an artist because you do Photoshop is like telling someone you're a musician because you play xylophone?
Mom: No, telling someone you're a musician because you play harmonica!
Jeff: Hey!
Mom: Oh hush, you play guitar too.

Me: Mom, when you were pregnant did they have the technology to tell you the gender of your baby?
Mom: Yes, but they didn't give us pictures then.
Me: They didn't take a sonogram picture at all?
Mom: They did. They just didn't give them out like bubblegum cards. They were more for medical reasons only.
Me: Ha.
Mom: That had better make it on your Facebook.

Saturday night before Easter.

Dad: Oh, Jesus.

Mom: No, he doesn't show up for a few hours.

Jeff: No, isn't it Easter in Hebrew Standard Time?

Me to Jeff: No tienes vergüenza??
Jeff: What does that mean?
Me: You took Spanish. Jeez. It means 'have you no shame?'. I learned it to say to the Mexican dudes who stare at me while I pump gas.
Mom: Why would they do that? They must think you're stealing gas.

Mom: The cleaning lady came up to me the other day. She had your dirty underwear from under your bed in a pair of tongs.

Kelly: That's what she gets for deep cleaning.

Mom: Son, you left your muscle-building powder here. You should take it back with you or I'll use it all. I'll put half of it in a giant mug every day and drink it.
Me: Well, that would only really last you... two days.
Mom: No...
Me: Yeah, if you use half every day, you'd run out in two days.
Mom: .....No, I'd put water in it....