Me: Is Mom cooking or are we on our own for dinner?

Jeff: I dunno. Send her a text. Bitches love texts.

Jeff: He looked like that werewolf guy from Twilight... but not tan. Or buff.

I finish drinking the milk out of my cereal bowl.

Dad: You've got some on your face. You look like you were in a porno.

Me: I'm really glad Sean Bean didn't die when he got stabbed. I'm still not over Heath Ledger.
Kelly: I know. I would freak out of he died. I would have a sad party.
Me: It's called a wake.

We are at a baseball game on Father's Day. The scoreboard lights up with choices for songs to be played. The idea is that you text a vote to pick which song. One is Father's Day related, the other two are just random, popular country songs.

Announcer: Aaaaand you've chosen, Carrie Underwood's All-American Girl!
Dad: What?? That's not very Father's Day.
Me: I love you Dad. Today is about you as far as I'm concerned!
Dad: Fuck you.

A family friend tells me I look really good for a 30-year-old. When my dad sees how bummed I am (I was 24), he comforted me:

Dad: Hey, it just means that you wouldn't be in the "Barely 18 Girls You Wanna Bang!" category in porn. You'd be in the "Mature" section.

Father's Day Lunch

Me: *tells an awesome joke*
Mom: *makes a face that says, "You're an idiot."
Me: I know that face. You've been making that face at me since the day I came out of you.
Dad: She was making that face when I got in her.

My brother's version of this happening:

He misquotes.

*Dad valiantly struggles to cut a frozen ice cream cake for several minutes, while we watch in wonder*

Jeff: What sorcery is this!?

Me: This lady at work says I have a really good fashion sense. Like, I dress really well.
Mom (looks me up and down): Did she say that today?

I make lewd gestures at my sister while my parents are helping Jeff pack his apartment.


Kelly: Mom! My sister is a pedophile! Dad! ........ Help!
.....silence....
Kelly: They don't care. It's about Jeff today.

Me: I like the waitress. She's nice.

Dad: Duh, she works for tips.

Me: So do strippers, and you like them...

Me: Man, I used to hang out and eat Cheez-Its all day-

Mom: OH! THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING TO CHEEZ-ITS!

About Kelly's choice of a giant dinosaur stuffed animal:

Me: Are you sure you want that one? Not this? Or this one?

Kelly: ....... This is the one I've chosen.