Mom to Kelly: You accidentally bought child-size hangers. Oh well, they'll work for you.

Kelly: All I want for my birthday is, uh...

Me: Your two front teeth? Ha.

Kelly: No, that's Christmas, bitch.

Mom to Kelly and me: That Target clerk thought you were cute.

Me: What? Really?

Mom: Well, he is from Nebraska.

Mom: Jumper's on next. That's a GREAT movie!

Me: ......

Mom: You'd love it.
Me: Sure.

Mom: What? You don't believe me? You don't want to travel that fast? Poof! You're in Paris!

Me: I'm not saying I don't want the power. I'm saying I don't want to watch the movie.

Mom: .....

Me: We could always watch Gigli.

Mom: *frown*

Me: Oh. So there is a line.

Me: Dad, do you know what lie we're going to tell Mom when we sneak off on Saturday for her surprise?
Dad: Haven't gotten that far.
Me: You had top secret clearance for decades. You planned covert strikes and rubbed elbows with people that officially didn't exist. I'm pretty sure you can come up with something.
Dad: Yeah, but this is your mom...

Cable guy to my dad: So your youngest is moving out? You've gotten everyone out of the house?

Dad: Nah, my wife still lives there.

Jeff: That's my friend, over there in the gray.
Me: Her? She's tiiiiiny. Eat a sandwich, babygirl.
Jeff: What? She's fatter than you.
Me: Awwww, really? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!
Jeff: Wow. Is it that easy?

Kelly: I would go drink with you. But I can't. And.... I don't want to.

Me: Mom gave me a Kindle for my birthday!

Kelly: Cool! Do you like it?

Me: Yeah! I've read half a book!

Kelly: Ha, half?

Me: Well, like 48%.

Kelly: What?? It tells you the percentage you've read?

Me: Yeah, it's cool.

Kelly: No... well........... don't... trust it.

Kelly: Would you judge me if I bought a skull?

Me: I want to be a foreign exchange student.

Kelly: You're not even a student.

Me: I'm a student of life.

Kelly: That's stupid.

Me: So telling those snooty people you're an artist because you do Photoshop is like telling someone you're a musician because you play xylophone?
Mom: No, telling someone you're a musician because you play harmonica!
Jeff: Hey!
Mom: Oh hush, you play guitar too.

Me: Humpback whales are weird. Their mouths are up here, and their eyes are down here. It looks off.

Kelly: How else you gonna eat krill?