Jeff: That's my friend, over there in the gray.
Me: Her? She's tiiiiiny. Eat a sandwich, babygirl.
Jeff: What? She's fatter than you.
Me: Awwww, really? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!
Jeff: Wow. Is it that easy?

Kelly: I would go drink with you. But I can't. And.... I don't want to.

Me: Mom gave me a Kindle for my birthday!

Kelly: Cool! Do you like it?

Me: Yeah! I've read half a book!

Kelly: Ha, half?

Me: Well, like 48%.

Kelly: What?? It tells you the percentage you've read?

Me: Yeah, it's cool.

Kelly: No... well........... don't... trust it.

Kelly: Would you judge me if I bought a skull?

Me: I want to be a foreign exchange student.

Kelly: You're not even a student.

Me: I'm a student of life.

Kelly: That's stupid.

Me: So telling those snooty people you're an artist because you do Photoshop is like telling someone you're a musician because you play xylophone?
Mom: No, telling someone you're a musician because you play harmonica!
Jeff: Hey!
Mom: Oh hush, you play guitar too.

Me: Humpback whales are weird. Their mouths are up here, and their eyes are down here. It looks off.

Kelly: How else you gonna eat krill?