Mom: Gregarious? I invented the fucking word gregarious.

Uncle: *whispers to me* Your mom will never be nice. Trust me.
Mom: *whispers to me* I am going to slit his throat before the night is over. Seriously.

Me: Okay, well, you can definitely come visit me. We'll figure out the dates further down the road.
Kelly: I might text you. Like, "I'm at your front door. Let's do this."

Me: They really don't want me to get pregnant on this medication. I'd give birth to, like, a frog or something.
Kelly: Don't do that! I don't want a frog niece. I DON'T WANT A FROG NIECE.

Kelly explains a Star Wars concept to me.

Kelly: Have you ever heard of Mandalorians?

Me: Sounds familiar.

Kelly: The king of the Mandolorians is Mandalor.  .... It's quite convenient.

Jeff and I are driving to Nebraska.

Me: Don't they make you turn over your car when you get across the border, so as not to scare the locals? They'd be like, "A HORSELESS CARRIAGE! A HORSELESS CARRIAGE!"

Jeff: "IT'S SATAN'S WORK!"