About Kelly's choice of a giant dinosaur stuffed animal:

Me: Are you sure you want that one? Not this? Or this one?

Kelly: ....... This is the one I've chosen.

Mom to Kelly: You accidentally bought child-size hangers. Oh well, they'll work for you.

Kelly: All I want for my birthday is, uh...

Me: Your two front teeth? Ha.

Kelly: No, that's Christmas, bitch.

Mom to Kelly and me: That Target clerk thought you were cute.

Me: What? Really?

Mom: Well, he is from Nebraska.

Mom: Jumper's on next. That's a GREAT movie!

Me: ......

Mom: You'd love it.
Me: Sure.

Mom: What? You don't believe me? You don't want to travel that fast? Poof! You're in Paris!

Me: I'm not saying I don't want the power. I'm saying I don't want to watch the movie.

Mom: .....

Me: We could always watch Gigli.

Mom: *frown*

Me: Oh. So there is a line.

Me: Dad, do you know what lie we're going to tell Mom when we sneak off on Saturday for her surprise?
Dad: Haven't gotten that far.
Me: You had top secret clearance for decades. You planned covert strikes and rubbed elbows with people that officially didn't exist. I'm pretty sure you can come up with something.
Dad: Yeah, but this is your mom...

Cable guy to my dad: So your youngest is moving out? You've gotten everyone out of the house?

Dad: Nah, my wife still lives there.